Think of a person you care about who perpetually frustrates you. Now imagine you are just meeting them for the first time, right now, just as they are and just as you are. Given what you learn about them – their strengths, weaknesses and peculiarities – and what you know about your own proclivities, what would your expectations be for the relationship? I suspect it would differ greatly from the expectations to which you currently hold it.
We have different expectations for each relationship. Oddly, those we care most about and those we’ve known the longest tend to be those who fail to meet our relational expectations most frequently. We drag in a lot of our previous desires, their previous tendencies, and preferences and feelings we’ve grown beyond, but cling to because that’s how we used to relate to those people. It’s helpful sometimes to release ourselves from this baggage.
Whatever efforts we’ve expended getting people to do what we want and be who we wish they were; whatever past disappointments we’ve met can be shed. They are sunk costs. They are irretrievable. Don’t color your present expectations with what’s past. Take a realistic look at those close to you and asses what they are capable of and what you are capable of in the relationship going forward. Make that the expectation.
It’s easy to get pulled in to the sunk cost fallacy in gambling and economic decisions. Relationships aren’t so different.